January 27, 2010

Do not worry about your life...

"I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . ." Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, "That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink." Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.  | Oswald Chambers      
 One of my favorite devotionals of all time is My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  In just a short couple of paragraphs, he delivers such a profound message that almost always challenges me exactly how I need to be challenged.  I have been reading through this book for years.  And today it challenges me not to worry.  I am a worrier.  It goes along with the whole lack of control thing... but sometimes to the point where my worry is just out of control and I get anxious.  It is ridiculous really.  But I feel like I definitely experienced this kind of worry this last cycle trying to get pregnant.  I'm not going to say it was because so many people were getting pregnant around me, but to a degree it was.  Two of my best friends announced their pregnancy and I am THRILLED for them, but all of the sudden I felt anxious... like my time was running out if I wanted my kids to be friends with there kids.  Ridiculous, I know.  But I did feel the pressure to challenge my body to jump on the wagon and get pregnant already.  I remember some nights just obsessively thinking (worrying) about it... looking at the calendar and feeling that I need to get pregnant at a certain time.  Oh, how God must laugh at my plans.  Jordan is much more level-headed and just reminds me that God needs our child to be born at a certain time, and that time has not come yet.  He is right.  I couldn't get my emotions to agree last month though.

I feel much better this month... much less crazy, and much more open to whatever God has for us.  I think I am just realizing that it was never mine to control anyway.  And when God DOES give me a child, that child is a gift from God... given to me to raise in Gods ways, but ultimately, never mine.  I am somehow finding comfort in that today.  God has a plan... he has not forgotten me... and in a lifetime, 7 months is a mere blip to be trying.  I am thankful for what I have been blessed with and look forward to the day when I do have a child of my own.  God has given me this desire, and I don't believe it is in vain!

Anyway... I have a doctors appointment on February 2nd.  When I met with my doctor last summer, she knew that because my cycles are so wack, I may have more trouble getting pregnant.  I also think I have an issue with my hormone levels (progesterone mainly), because I have nearly a week of spotting before AF (Aunt Flow a.k.a. period) shows (sorry if TMI... but get used to it if you're going to read this) and my luteal phase used to be short (11 days).  If you have a luteal phase under 12 days, they call this "luteal phase defect" and it basically means that after you ovulate you start AF too soon to allow for an egg to have enough time to be fertilized and implant.  I have been taking a B6 complex vitamin (which I was actually ordered to take by my doctor anyway since I have also been struggling with digestive issues) and I read that this can help with your LP (luteal phase).  Fortunately, my LP has increased to 13 days which is a great sign!!  I feel good about this now... still not liking the spotting, but I am hoping on Feb 2nd, my doctor can give me some insight and if I need progesterone supplements, she can help me out with that.

- continued peace and awareness of God's sovereignty while we begin another cycle of TTC (trying to conceive)
- Feb 2 doctor's appointment - answers, wisdom for doctors, peace about a potential course of action
- Family... wisdom for my Mom's doctors and healing.

THANK YOU to anyone who reads and prays.  I am so blessed to have such great friends. :-)

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