God... I don't know what you are doing in my life... I don't know the direction or the path, God. But if I know anything... if I have learned ANYTHING this past week, it is that You are God... and that's that. You are magnificent and holy and completely worthy of my entire life... God... just chuck my plans out the window, please... I can't do your plans any justice. Give me your eyes... please just break down the walls around my heart.
I wrote that prayer in my journal 5 years ago... and today I find myself saying nearly the exact same prayer. Jordan and I have been trying for the past many months to get pregnant. Come next week it will be 7 months to be exact. I was told this past summer that due to some cycle issues that I have, it may take us longer than the average person to conceive. And I think I took that and told myself I believed them, but truly thought it would be an easy task for us. Well... it hasn't been. Sometimes, I feel completely foolish because I know of people who are infertile and have been trying significantly longer than I have... years even... and there are days I can't handle 7 months. I feel a huge cloud of fear surrounding me... Satan's lies telling me that I must not have enough faith to believe that God is in control... or fear that I will never be able to have children of my own... that there is something seriously wrong with me... or just feeling the weight of potential fertility treatments looming over us and knowing that this is not something we have financially prepared for... yet. Some days, I feel like my mind is consumed by trying to get pregnant... desiring to be a mother SO badly... and then every month being a roller-coaster of emotions. It overwhelms me sometimes. This is largely the reason I started this blog. I KNOW there are other women who can relate... maybe not to this scenario specifically, but just feeling out of control and seeing something right in front of you that you KNOW you need to trust God with, but it is so very hard. Like I said before... journaling is very therapeutic for me... and instead of feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about it when it is so consuming my thoughts... I can get it out here... and my friends can choose to read and pray if they would like. I pray for peace and patience... and being able to trust in such a way that I am truly able to let go of this burden and feel real relief in knowing that it is not mine to control in the first place. That second part is the hardest. :-) I know in the grand scheme of things, 7 months is a blip on the radar... but right now every month drags and is emotionally draining and I am just crying out for prayer... for peace and relief. And patience. It is so hard to know I need to just trust God... and to hear people say "just relax"... and then for the life of me not be able to FEEL that relief and sense of strength I long for as a result. I hear of all of these stories about people getting pregnant once they "give up", but I don't really know how to do that... I don't think I can yet. So I wait.
Anyway... I can't end this without saying how blessed I am. My family, my closest friends and bible study group... I find such JOY in each of these relationships and I have no idea what I would do without each of you. I am so blessed to have best friends who are also prayer warriors and truly love and care about us. :-) We love and care about you too.