March 15, 2010

Enough.

So I've been struggling with a few things lately.  I feel like I am being challenged in new ways and it is good, but hard.  On one hand, there is the frustration of trying to get pregnant and month after month still not.  But I feel like my anxiety and worry is under control now... I am trusting, and I am not afraid.  I feel more frustration as I want to make plans for my life and feeling like I can't do that.  I have no idea what my life is going to be like in a year.  Will I have a child?  Will we be paying for fertility treatments?  Will we be seeking adpotion?  I have no idea. I see my friends moving on in life in many ways... having kids and getting pregnant, and I can't help but feel that I am missing out... that I no longer have something to contribute to the conversation... or that it is somehow awkward.  I love that they are experiencing this... but in all brutal honesty, I am sad that I am not able to experience this with them.  I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, but just wanting to be honest about what God is doing in my heart right now.

In the middle of all of this... the frustration, confusion, sadness, unknown... I find God poking and prodding at my heart and asking me, simply "Am I enough?... if, for some reason, you are not able to have any of this, will you let me be enough?".

Ouch.

That question is just ringing in my heart right now - will I let God be enough to fill me if my life doesn't go as I "plan".  If I never give birth to a child, if my friendships change, if this is the cards I have been dealt, will I let God be enough??  God alone is enough to fill me... everything else is a gift and blessing from God, but God is enough.  I need to embrace that and seek out God harder than ever before.  This question is heavy on me for many reasons... first is the terrifying thought that God could actually ask me to let him be enough and to not receive certain things I desire... and the second is the joy in knowing that God has the ability to be enough for me!!  I need to let his spirit fill me and stop trying to find value in other things.

SO... heavy thoughts to start the week  Sorry about that.  :-)  But important, I think... regardless of what you have or don't have.  Every day I realize more and more how God truly is the only one who can fill me and everything else will only disappoint.  I don't know why I keep trying to find replacements for God in my life.  Part of the journey I guess. :-)

Anyway... otherwise, things are going great. :-)  I finished clomid with little to no side effects.  I should know if it worked in the next week sometime.  Yay!!

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