I had coffee with a dear friend this evening... and it felt so good to just let the real raw emotion out in the open and just acknowledge that life isn't easy... that sometimes God calls us to a situation that is painful for us... and just exploring what does it mean when you don't experience God's blessing like we hope or want. Like she said... never anywhere in the bible does it say that if God gives us a desire for children, we will bear children. He says that he will meet us in our darkest hour. As strange as it sounds to be talking like that... I found it extremely comforting and refreshing. Let's not put on a face or facade that everything is okay when it's not... lets pull out the sackcloth and ashes and mourn when our hearts are heavy and lets make our prayers known to others and to God. What RELIEF to be real and raw and naked before others (not literally... that would be weird). I don't think life was ever meant to go through privately, but hand in hand with others. So I reiterate what God has been putting on my heart... I really feel like God is asking me, IF I am never blessed with a child... will I let God be enough to fill that void. The beautiful mystery of God is the fact that this is amazing and terrifying at the same time. I am terrified that God would ask this of me... because he very well can and may. But I rejoice because the TRUTH in all of this is that God can be enough... with some work on my part... that would be a very difficult reality to embrace.
Anyway... I don't mean for this post to be dark or too deep or depressing... because in fact I feel the complete opposite. Claiming these things give me a real sense of peace just in the fact that none of this is up to me.
After coffee, Jordan and I went to the Stockbridge Boiler Room where our church is partnering with them and the Bridge Street House of Prayer for a 7 month long 24-hour prayer initiative. Jordan and I signed up for a time slot with our small group and so one of us goes at 9pm every Thursday night to pray for whatever is on our hearts. Well, after my awesome conversation, my heart was still contemplating God's faithfulness in pain. I came across a verse in Psalm 22 that I felt I really connected with.
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy...
This is right where I am at. We cry out to God for a healthy pregnancy and a child... we beg him. But we do not have our answer. We have been instructed to wait on the Lord... and wait... and wait... I'll be honest, there are times when it is all-consuming and I truly cannot find rest. But the truth is that I am not angry at God... I am not even disappointed. Because of so many awesome people praying for us, I truly feel at peace right now... in this moment. I don't know how long it will last :-)... but I have peace for the moment because I have faith that God is still good and this will be used for HIS glory... not mine... his. So I say... "I cry by day, but you do not answer... and by night, but I find no rest. YET YOU ARE HOLY!!!!!"