May 24, 2010

The best and the worst.

** FYI... some of what I say in here may be TMI for some people... don't say I didn't warn you**

May 3, 2010 was one of the best days of my life.  I got up on that Monday morning and took a pregnancy test on a whim.  I knew it was early, only 10dpo, but I had a test so I thought, what the heck.  I took the test, set it on the bedside table, and got back to reading my devotions.  I somewhat forgot about it, seeing as I had seen hundreds of "Not Pregnant" tests before, but happened to glance at it... seeing the bold clear words "Pregnant".  I was thrilled!  After 10 months of trying, we finally had our BFP.  I had a fun way I was hoping to share my pregnancy news with Jordan but when I saw the test, all of that flew out the window and I went to the bathroom where he was shaving and shoved the test in front of his face.  He smiled, said "Cool!" and we couldn't have been happier.  The next couple of weeks were spent dreaming about this little one, planning how we would arrange the nursery and guest bedroom, and beginning to hack at our long list of names that we loved.

That didn't last for long though.  On May 22, 2010, at 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom.  Knowing that it could be completely normal, I kind of wrote it off, but when it continued through the afternoon I called my doctors office and spoke to the on-call doctor.  He pretty much told me to rest easy, but if the bleeding got heavier to go to the ER.  The bleeding stayed the same for most of Saturday, but on Sunday morning I found that it wasn't just spotting anymore, but a lot of blood - clots and all.  Jordan had to play at church, but I didn't, so I was at home by myself and called Jordan freaking out - telling him that we needed to go to the ER.  He found someone to cover for him the 2nd half of the service, and came home so we could go to the ER.  The bleeding continued and we waited in the ER for nearly 2 hours before we were seen.  I had a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound which showed a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole.  I also had bloodwork done which showed my HCG levels in the 700 range, which is very low for 6 weeks.  All of this - not good signs.  5 hours later... we arrived home, and heartbroken.

The bleeding has continued through today.  I don't really know what to make of all of this.  I suppose there is a glimmer of hope that this baby could still be alive, but in reality with the information we have, I know that is a long shot.  I don't even really know what to feel.  I am devastated, heartbroken, and just completely numb.  A lot of WHY questions run through my mind, but I don't even let myself go there, because I don't want to get bitter.  But I am going to let myself cry and grieve... but I am not going to let this stop me in my tracks and fall into a hole of despair.  God's desire is to bless us... but he gives and takes away and it is all for his glory.  I trust in that.  The day before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal relating to infertility:
In church today, we talked about responding to suffering - in that we need to draw near to the kingdom of God in our suffering.  I know to myself, my suffering of not getting pregnant is at times all-consuming.  In comparison, people have made it through MUCH more.  And God has always been faithful.  So - in this season of suffering, I will daily draw near to God and seek him first - above all else - above a child.  Because I know he is good and because I choose trust.
I am going to continue to choose trust in this season of loss.  And I am going to continue to seek God first, because that is the ONLY way I know how to continue.  I've found comfort in some verses shared by friends:
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

 1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
       my eyes are not haughty;
       I do not concern myself with great matters
       or things too wonderful for me.
 2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
       like a weaned child with its mother,
       like a weaned child is my soul within me.
 3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
       both now and forevermore. (Psalm 131)
Our friends and family have been absolutely amazing.  Praying constantly for us and offering help and encouragement and love.  And I must say, right now I feel at peace.  I don't feel like this all the time, but I know that God has a reason and a plan and a time for everything under the sun.  I just HAVE to cling to that.

So what now?  I have another blood test in the morning and then at 1pm I have an appt with my doctor.  They are going to wait another week to do an ultrasound if it makes sense.  Obviously if my HCG levels drop - the pregnancy is ending and there will be no need for an ultrasound.  In the meantime, I am taking the doctors advice and staying home and resting and keeping my feet up.  If this pregnancy is viable yet, I am pretty sure I'll be high-risk until this bleeding is over.  I still have some hope for a miracle, but I have to say I'd be completely shocked if I'm not miscarrying.  But God is in the business of surprises and miracles, so we will just have to see.  Thank all of you for your prayers and support!  I know a lot of people don't share their pregnancies til later on in fear that something will go wrong and they'll have to tell all these people about their loss.  I must say, I wouldn't have it any other way.  We had told some friends (and were about to tell others next weekend) and a lot of people at church and our families.  It has meant the WORLD to have these people surrounding us in prayer and supporting us as we go through this difficult time.  I think next time we will tell people right away again.

Anyway - thank you for your prayers.  I'll keep you all updated as I learn more about what is going on.

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