May 25, 2010

Please let today be over.

I just want this day to be over.  I have my doctors appointment at 1pm and I almost feel like not going because I already know what he is going to tell me.  Of course I will go.  I am just sooo tired... tired of trying and being disappointed.  Tired of the roller coaster of emotions.  I'm tired of this being our struggle.

All I can do is just sit here and cry today.  And I know that's okay... I need to grieve and just get it out.  I don't really feel like talking to anyone but Jordan.  I don't know how I am going to face work tomorrow.  It is hard, because I just don't feel like people understand how devastating miscarriage is.  It is completely heart breaking and devastating.  I know I never held my baby or saw her or anything... it was a dream that came true for only a matter of weeks.  But it was real. 

It is hard to pull out my chart again and know I am going to need to start temping and buy some OPK's soon.  I was hoping to be done with that for 9 months.

I have some decisions to make now.  First - I just need to see what the doctor says today... he may recommend some "assistance" in getting this miscarriage overwith.  Many women go the D&C route, which pretty much is surgery where they dilate your cervix and scrape out the insides of your uterus.  There are obviously risks with this... and it makes me terrified, but the good part of that is that it is definitively over.  Or I can just want for it all to happen naturally... which could take weeks upon weeks.  Or I could take medication to induce miscarriage... pretty much causing my uterus to contract and in a matter of a day or two, get rid of everything.  I've heard that is pretty painful too.  I don't know what to do.  But I do know that this has not scared me away from getting pregnant and I want to start trying again as soon as I can.  I don't want this miscarriage to last for another month.  I want it to be over.

I've started cramping a little bit today.  All of my pregnancy symptoms are gone.  After thinking about it - I realized that most of them left the day before I started bleeding.  Heartburn, peeing all the time, sore boobs, etc... nothing on Friday.  Thursday I was beside myself in pain with heartburn and was waking up in the middle of the night and needing to go to the bathroom... Friday... nothing.  I noticed this on Friday, but just took it as symptoms just changing (as is to be expected).  But little did I know it meant something.

I want you all to know that I really really appreciate your prayers.  I don't write this blog so people will feel sorry for me or whatever.  It is truly therapeutic for me to get this out... and I hope that it is an easy way for you to understand what is going on without feeling awkward about asking (because I know that happens).  And hopefully... someday someone else will be going through the same thing and they'll be able to read about my experience and find some comfort in it.  I know that I have found comfort in stories I've read about other women who have gone through the same thing.  It is good to know we're not alone in our suffering.

When I named my blog "Those Who Trust"... I had no idea how much trust I would need to have in this next year.  I need to trust in God's goodness... sovereignty... unfailing love.  I need to trust even when I don't feel like it... when I feel like giving up and crawling into a hole and wishing the world would just HOLD ON for a minute.  But life goes on and so must I.  And I just gotta trust.  So - pray for trust for me... and peace... and patience.  All of the above.  Thanks, and love you all.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is actually the second time I read it...the first was when I came upon your blog for the first time. It carries a deeper meaning for me now, having just gone through the same thing. Your words are encouraging and lifting my heart up right now. Thank you. Very much for the prayers as well...I know God will bless us with another child soon. Hugs!