May 28, 2010

The Rollercoaster.

Most of the time I don't know how I feel.  I am all over the place.  It is exhausting.  I wish this had never ever happened... I wish we just had never gotten pregnant, so I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I'm finding that I need to deal with some of these emotions and I don't really know where to start.  Because, one minute I feel strong and optimistic and look forward to the future.  But, the next I feel totally defeated.  I feel like my body has betrayed me and I've failed as a woman and I'm overwhelmed with fear.  I start to feel good because I can objectively look at what has happened and look at my plan moving forward... but then all of the sudden the emotions come rolling in and I can't contain my despair.  I'm a wreck right now.  I really want to start trying again right away.  This has been too long of a journey and I don't want to waste any time.  But I am terrified of trying again at the same time.  I now know the truth of my fears... and I'm worried how I will start to feel if it doesn't happen again for a long time. 

I don't even know what to say right now.  One week ago I was 6 weeks pregnant and happy and thought everything was going great.  I can't believe how much has happened in the past 6 days.  It is hard not to think that I would be 7 weeks pregnant now and all of the changes in development that would be happening.  I am just so sad.  I feel bad for Jordan because he hasn't been able to stop.  He had one of his busiest weeks at work and worked 14 hours in one day and today isn't going to be much better.  When he is home he is bending over backwards for me, because there are moments I just can't move... I'm just numb.  I'm sure he needs to deal with some of this, but he hasn't had the opportunity to.  He is just amazing though.  I am learning more and more how he is perfect for me and the one God chose for me.  I am really needing to just stop and be with him though, and that hasn't really happened yet.  This weekend is Jordan's brother's high school graduation so we're going up there for that.  I want to, but don't want to.  I want to go because this is a big deal and I want to be supportive, but I just don't want to be around a lot of people right now.  It is hard.  But when I am alone is when my mind goes crazy and I find myself just being overwhelmed with memories of the recent events.  It is like it is haunting me.  I can't fall asleep because I am thinking about it... or I wake up at 3 a.m. thinking about it... and my mind won't turn off.  It is awful. 

I guess it is okay for me to be a mess right now.  Maybe I should just accept what is and let myself be a wreck.  Kind of the whole concept of God meeting you where you are at... I really don't feel like God is waiting for me on the other side of this, but rather right here with me... saying I can stay as long as I need to.  But I know there comes a time when I get up and move on.  I just wish that time was now.  But right now, it's not.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

1 comment:

  1. Oh Lindsy! I am so sorry! And while I have never suffered a miscarriage, I can completely the relate to being fine one minute and a wreck the next. It's okay to be sad and numb and upset. I truly think it's better to let all your emotions out than try to stifle them. I'm praying for you...