June 1, 2010

Moving forward.

The month of May is over... I cannot tell you how glad I am that it is June.  May was the most difficult month of my life - a whilwind and I feel like it is almost unbelievable that it all happened to us.  This kind of stuff happens to other people - not us!  It has been hard to know how to respond.  It is weird to be the one receiving the sympathies, etc... I have just never been in this position before, but I am so so SO very thankful for everyone who has kept us in your prayers. 

This weekend turned out to be much much better than I thought.  After a horrible week, Friday was a really difficult day for me and I just felt like all the grieving caught up with me and overwhelmed me.  I almost made the decision to stay home and skip my brother-in-law's graduation ceremony.  But, I decided to go and I am thankful that I did.  As much as I didn't want to be around people, I felt good to be able to support my brother-in-law that way... and I know it would have been much much worse had I decided to spend 2 more days alone instead of being lifted up by people who love us. 

I also have the best friends ever.  On Saturday night they all came over to just spend time with Jordan and I and love on us.  They brought us dinner and as much as I thought I wanted to be alone, it has been so good to just be with people who let me talk if I want to talk, or just sit quietly if I want to sit quietly.  It has meant so much to have people who are just willing to grieve with us.

Today has been the first day I've been able to talk about the miscarriage with people and not break down in tears.  I think it is because I am finally feeling like I am physically (mostly) over it.  The bleeding has finally mostly stopped and my temperature has returned to a normal pre-pregnancy/pre-ovulation range.  I bought some OPK's yesterday and am going to continue charting and temping so we can get back on the wagon of trying right away.  I had another blood draw this morning to see if my hCG is at zero yet and have another appt with my doctor on Thursday.  I am so hopeful that this is over.  I just want to move forward.  Sometimes I am terrified of trying... all the "What if's" that creep back into my mind... but I truly am hopeful.  I know we will have children.  I don't know when that will be or how that will be, but I know that God doesn't do anything in vain or without reason.  So, I have to cling to that hope, knowing that if I don't I could possibly drown in fear.  And that is no way to live.

I have many friends that are pregnant and due in the next month to 6 months.  I am so excited to meet all of these little bundles of joy and I want each of you to know that.  My sadness of not being able to get pregnant has nothing to do with the fact that you did easily.  I am glad you never had to go through what I am going through right now.  My biggest sadness relating to this is the fact that I fear our kids will be too far apart in age to be friends... I know that is not a truly valid fear, but I need all of you to know that I love you and I cannot wait to meet all of your little babies when they are ready to meet the world.


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