I am so excited for this opportunity to get away. I fully intend on taking this time to focus on Jordan and I and our relationship... but even more so to evaluate where I am at spiritually and just re-focus myself. This whole experience has challenged me spiritually and emotionally more than anything... I sometimes feel like to address my doubts and challenges means just falling apart. I am afraid and insecure. I didn't used to be, but today I feel that I am. I am no longer naive. I need to take this week to just empty myself of my expectations, my plans... and ask God to fill me. I don't know what this looks like right now, but I know it needs to happen.
On Sunday, or worship leader challenged us: What is so "big" in your life that the pinky of God cannot reach out and touch and change??
I realize I have doubted God's power. I have to keep being reminded that he is more powerful than science, than my fears and doubts. There are strongholds in my life I need to let go of - and fear is one of them.
In response to the question above I wrote: Answer: nothing. Now I just need to believe it.
I have been challenged for the past many months by the people at our church really pressing the importance of discipleship and walking with people to be encouraged and challenged spiritually. This is something I have felt is lacking in my life. I don't really know what to do about it... I have plenty of Christian friends, but very rarely do we really talk spiritual stuff. And it can't be because we're all just okay and doing great... because I feel like that is impossible... either that or I am just more of a mess than I realize. :-) But... I just feel like that needs to change in my life. I don't know what that means or what that looks like, but this week I plan on praying hard about that... praying for people to truly walk with. To meet and pray and fellowship and gain wisdom and advice from. I don't know who those people are, but I know God created me for relationships and for raw transparency in those relationships. I think we have all had the walls up for too long.
As they said in church on Sunday:
There are no "free" relationships. There are either followers in Christ who need encouragement, or people who need to know Christ.
God... break me and use me for your glory. Empty me and fill me with you. Break down my walls, my barriers, my pride that keeps me from meeting you - and show me your will for me life.