June 21, 2010

Too good to be true.

I guess I spoke to soon.  I think this month is going to be anovulatory.  I keep getting positive OPK's (like WAY more than I should...) but no temp change.  So it seems that my body is trying to gear up to O, but it just isn't happening.  My temps are WAY too low for post-O.  So... just waiting agian.  Hopefully I do O eventually, but I have a feeling I won't this time.  I've never had an anovulatory cycle (just late O), but I've heard it is very common after a miscarriage.  At least I only have 5 more weeks to wait and then my Dr. will prescribe clomid.  I'm going to contact him in a month if I don't have AF... or if I know I am not pregnant by then.  It is so frustrating!!

It is hard to believe that this week marks one month since my miscarriage.  This past month has been one of the most challenging and difficult times of my life.  It is still a roller-coaster and I just can't wait til it is all over.  I think one of the most difficult things is just not knowing when this journey is going to end.  I know I am forever changed by this experience.  I have needed to learn a whole different way of trusting God and I know that it has stretched me more than I ever could have been otherwise.  I have been struggling lately with just growing bitterness and jealousy.  I really HATE feeling this way, but it has been a serious struggle.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, but if I am being truly honest, it has been difficult for me to see them go through an entire pregnancy and me still not be pregnant.  I have these feelings that it should be me... that I should be going through that with them, but I'm not... and so now here is an entire area of our lives that I can't relate to.  It is something so joyful and exciting for them, while at the same time is the very source of my greatest pain.  Most of the time I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to just be happy and separate my situation from theirs.  Because we have gone through everything else together.  The thing is... I truly truly am excited for them... my emotions just aren't always there.  And I just have to say that I am sorry for that... and I do love you all.  And I hope you understand. 

So there is that struggle... along with fear and just feeling like the world is completely unfair.  At the same time, I experience waves of God's faithfulness and peace and love.  And I know that he is for me and he will take care of me.  But I still doubt... I wish I could emotionally FEEL what I know my head believes.  But that is my struggle.  I KNOW God loves me, he is for me, he will take care of me, he died FOR ME... but emotionally, I doubt and fear and get angry.  I find I need to constantly be turning back to God to keep my head on straight.  It is hard.  It is not fun... but I do trust (in my heart) that God will use this for his glory.

Anyway... I feel that I should share some thoughts and questions/challenges from my devotional times the past week.  Maybe someone can take this and find some nuggets of truth or just something to relate to.  It has been impressed on me how important it is to be transparent, raw, share life together, and share in our struggles to support each other. :-)  No facade, no walls, no fear... nothing but truth and love.  Imagine if we all lived this way!  What a challenge.

What does it mean to freely give of myself?

What does it mean to be transparent and KNOWN?

How do I make this happen in my relationships?

Raw, real, genuine, loving, and giving of myself.

Freely - without walls, bitterness, fear, contention.

GOD... break down these walls.  Protect me from bitterness.  Give me the courage to do what you ask.  Empty me - and fill me with you.  Your plan, your love, your hope.

1 comment:

  1. Aw! I'm hoping you'll still O! Maybe on vacation?

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. I struggle with that all.the.time. How do we join with each other on this journey and fully celebrate the BFPs that former IFers get? I dread the jealousy/bitterness SO MUCH! I cannot imagine having two friends deliver, I am thankful that hardly any of my close friends are married, let alone TTC!