Before getting pregnant for the second time, I had always been quite open and honest about my frustrations and just spiritual struggles. I had never felt so completely broken as when we had our miscarriage. I remember sitting having dinner with one of my best friends, and she asked me, "What do you want to say to God right now... anything.". And I just had no words - nothing... I couldn't even speak, my pain was so deep. And frankly I didn't want to. I knew I needed to trust God (and somehow, I still did), but I just needed to sit and let his comfort cover me and that was all... I just needed to be and to grieve and to sort through my pain.
I think that I had a lot more to work through spiritually and emotionally than I realized. When we got pregnant for the 2nd time, I all of the sudden found myself in a situation where the source of my pain and suffering was a source of hope and joy. It was confusing. I still feared, but I saw God's amazing faithfulness. But - that left me and God in a weird place. Spiritually - I didn't automatically feel healed and restored. That pain was still there.
I don't even know if what I am saying makes sense. I just never knew how much my physical life and emotions would impact me spiritually and cause me such spiritual distress. I knew how I had once felt SO connected with God... but with all of the struggles this past year presented us, it took a toll on me and I still have a hard time processing all of it.
In am in this bible study right now on abiding... well - it is more of a study on how to study the bible and we happen to be reading John 15. This is SO timely for me. I have felt at a loss at times on how to "get back" to my relationship with God after just sitting and healing. I have never really been taught how to study my bible, and those technical tools have been amazing. But, even more so, it is REALLY digging into the meaning of abiding in Christ. And how that is all there is to it. I think I sometimes drift toward the "religion" mindset of needing to check this task off my list of "being good" or something... but it isn't about that at all. It is about Christ knowing me and him wanting me to know him.
Anyway... all that to say... I have been pretty open up until this point. I wanted to be honest and transparent in the fact that getting pregnant did NOT erase my previous pain and struggle... in fact, I think it complicated my emotions even more. I have wanted to post about where I am at now, but I have a hard time knowing sometimes. I am overwhelmed with joy at this new child I now feel bouncing around inside me, overwhelmed with fear that is not of God - because that is human nature - right?, and also, at times, overwhelmed with grief as I remember our would-be January baby. I don't want to put up this face like pregnancy erased the pain and I forgot about my struggles I was so open about before. My only hope now is that I can re-learn to abide... that I can be 100% transparent in my journey, because I am a FIRM believer that we were created to live in community, transparent with each other to share in our sufferings... and that I can continue to move forward claiming hope, truth, and trust over the fear it is so easy to slip back into.
About 5 months ago, God spoke these truths to my heart. I just wanted to repeat them, because I still need to hear them today.
God is bigger and stronger.
The creator of life - more powerful than science.
He does nothing out of vain, but has a purpose for me and a reason for my pain.
He is the King of all and nothing can separate me from his love.
He doesn't change - even when I do. He doesn't stop loving or caring when I can't even utter a prayer. He still loves. And he waits. He covers me in my lack of faith.
He KNOWS. Just like I lost a child, so did he - in a much more brutal fashion - and intentionally FOR ME.
This is the small slice of hope and faith I cling to today.