January 28, 2010

Birthday wishes...

28 on January 28. :-)  Happy Birthday my love!

A lot to say...

I have a LOT to catch up on... but tonight's not the night.  I am here to wish by wonderful hubby a happy golden birthday!!

28 on January 28. :-)  Happy Birthday my love!

January 27, 2010

Do not worry about your life...

"I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . ." Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, "That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink." Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.  | Oswald Chambers      
 One of my favorite devotionals of all time is My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  In just a short couple of paragraphs, he delivers such a profound message that almost always challenges me exactly how I need to be challenged.  I have been reading through this book for years.  And today it challenges me not to worry.  I am a worrier.  It goes along with the whole lack of control thing... but sometimes to the point where my worry is just out of control and I get anxious.  It is ridiculous really.  But I feel like I definitely experienced this kind of worry this last cycle trying to get pregnant.  I'm not going to say it was because so many people were getting pregnant around me, but to a degree it was.  Two of my best friends announced their pregnancy and I am THRILLED for them, but all of the sudden I felt anxious... like my time was running out if I wanted my kids to be friends with there kids.  Ridiculous, I know.  But I did feel the pressure to challenge my body to jump on the wagon and get pregnant already.  I remember some nights just obsessively thinking (worrying) about it... looking at the calendar and feeling that I need to get pregnant at a certain time.  Oh, how God must laugh at my plans.  Jordan is much more level-headed and just reminds me that God needs our child to be born at a certain time, and that time has not come yet.  He is right.  I couldn't get my emotions to agree last month though.

I feel much better this month... much less crazy, and much more open to whatever God has for us.  I think I am just realizing that it was never mine to control anyway.  And when God DOES give me a child, that child is a gift from God... given to me to raise in Gods ways, but ultimately, never mine.  I am somehow finding comfort in that today.  God has a plan... he has not forgotten me... and in a lifetime, 7 months is a mere blip to be trying.  I am thankful for what I have been blessed with and look forward to the day when I do have a child of my own.  God has given me this desire, and I don't believe it is in vain!

Anyway... I have a doctors appointment on February 2nd.  When I met with my doctor last summer, she knew that because my cycles are so wack, I may have more trouble getting pregnant.  I also think I have an issue with my hormone levels (progesterone mainly), because I have nearly a week of spotting before AF (Aunt Flow a.k.a. period) shows (sorry if TMI... but get used to it if you're going to read this) and my luteal phase used to be short (11 days).  If you have a luteal phase under 12 days, they call this "luteal phase defect" and it basically means that after you ovulate you start AF too soon to allow for an egg to have enough time to be fertilized and implant.  I have been taking a B6 complex vitamin (which I was actually ordered to take by my doctor anyway since I have also been struggling with digestive issues) and I read that this can help with your LP (luteal phase).  Fortunately, my LP has increased to 13 days which is a great sign!!  I feel good about this now... still not liking the spotting, but I am hoping on Feb 2nd, my doctor can give me some insight and if I need progesterone supplements, she can help me out with that.

- continued peace and awareness of God's sovereignty while we begin another cycle of TTC (trying to conceive)
- Feb 2 doctor's appointment - answers, wisdom for doctors, peace about a potential course of action
- Family... wisdom for my Mom's doctors and healing.

THANK YOU to anyone who reads and prays.  I am so blessed to have such great friends. :-)

January 26, 2010

Me vs. gluten

One thing I have changed in the past few months is going completely gluten-free.  For years I have had issues with near daily headaches, diarrhea, fatigue, bloating, etc.  The headaches were annoying to deal with and I got my eyes checked and everything, but I would always tell Jordan that I just always felt like it was related to my gut.  I knew that if I ate certain foods, I would feel the awful side effects afterward.  The diarrhea and fatigue and bloating... honestly I just thought that it is the way I was and I was just tired... and sat on the toilet a lot (TMI... I know.).  I finally went to see my doctor in November and he found a vitamin B deficiency and told me to start eating gluten-free because my symptoms were indicative of a gluten intolerance.  In his opinion - gluten is a no-good protein and everyone should avoid it... and after reading about gluten intolerance I understand why.  Among that list of headaches, bloating, diarrhea, etc... is also things like infertility, anemia, skin rash, nerve damage, depression.  Ugh.  With a list like that, I am happy to avoid gluten.  Now, I have not been tested for celiac.  I have just done the elimination diet and most definitely felt the results.  Actually I feel the results more now when I get "glutened" and am sick on the couch with a headache the rest of the night.  But... knowing that gluten affects me the way it does with the headaches, etc... I am willing to stay off it.  The slight chance that my body is also responding fertility-wise... I'm glad that I am avoiding it.  It is pretty easy to avoid at home.  The hard part is going out to eat, but more and more places are becoming more mindful of food allergies and it hasn't been horrible by any means.   Plus - I feel great!

January 23, 2010

Who am I to complain?

I'm finding it interesting lately how we all judge our lives in comparison to other people. (You do it too, don't lie).  You know... the people who have the bigger house, the nicer car, the better job... it is always looking at those who have what we don't have and we become jealous, selfish, and ungrateful.  I really do think this is just one of Satan's tactics to get our eyes off Christ and back on ourselves.  We are inherently selfish sinners and we need to keep our eyes on Christ to keep the right perspective or else we'll keep falling back into our own selfishness.  I have been thinking about this lately, because I feel like all of the sudden I am very aware of so much suffering around me... and just realizing how amazingly blessed I have been... even in the midst of wanting what I don't have.

At church, just two weeks ago an 18-year-old girl was killed in a snow-mobile accident... just heartbreaking.  That same weekend, we heard of a couple who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, only to find out that she has down syndrome and a heart defect affecting three of her chambers.  She was expected to live one week and amazingly is still here three weeks later.  I know of people who have been trying to get pregnant for years upon years... and have drained their bank accounts and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on treatments without any luck.  A couple that I am on the care team with at church have had  three terrifying life-changing events happen in the past 7 years... in 2002 they found out that their newborn son had developmental disabilities... in 2005 they lost their three-month-old daughter in a terrifying tragic accident... and in 2007 the man of the family had an accident while swimming in the ocean and now finds himself a quadriplegic.  I have no reason to complain... and every reason to rejoice.  If these people who have experienced terrifying, life-changing things can still praise God for his goodness, so can I.

The amazing thing is... when you talk to these people, they will tell you about God's faithfulness and the strength that he has given them through these trials.  God sees all.... knows all... and in clinging to God they find hope, peace, protection...

I feel so foolish now complaining that it has been 6 or 7 months and I want a baby NOW.  But I will not lie that it is still a deep desire of mine... I will continue to pray and hope and dream.  But I will not complain.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Personal prayer requests:

- Peace and patience in waiting.
- Dr.'s appointment coming up on Feb 2.  Clarity and ability to make good decisions about what route to take next.
- Mom's medical issues... that she finds a surgeon to do her thyroid surgery that she is comfortable with... that her eye treatment would work and that she would be healed.

January 20, 2010

So I wait...

God... I don't know what you are doing in my life... I don't know the direction or the path, God.  But if I know anything... if I have learned ANYTHING this past week, it is that You are God... and that's that.  You are magnificent and holy and completely worthy of my entire life... God... just chuck my plans out the window, please... I can't do your plans any justice.  Give me your eyes... please just break down the walls around my heart. 

I wrote that prayer in my journal 5 years ago... and today I find myself saying nearly the exact same prayer.  Jordan and I have been trying for the past many months to get pregnant.  Come next week it will be 7 months to be exact.  I was told this past summer that due to some cycle issues that I have, it may take us longer than the average person to conceive.  And I think I took that and told myself I believed them, but truly thought it would be an easy task for us.  Well... it hasn't been.  Sometimes, I feel completely foolish because I know of people who are infertile and have been trying significantly longer than I have... years even... and there are days I can't handle 7 months.  I feel a huge cloud of fear surrounding me... Satan's lies telling me that I must not have enough faith to believe that God is in control... or fear that I will never be able to have children of my own... that there is something seriously wrong with me... or just feeling the weight of potential fertility treatments looming over us and knowing that this is not something we have financially prepared for... yet.  Some days, I feel like my mind is consumed by trying to get pregnant... desiring to be a mother SO badly... and then every month being a roller-coaster of emotions.  It overwhelms me sometimes.  This is largely the reason I started this blog.  I KNOW there are other women who can relate... maybe not to this scenario specifically, but just feeling out of control and seeing something right in front of you that you KNOW you need to trust God with, but it is so very hard.  Like I said before... journaling is very therapeutic for me... and instead of feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about it when it is so consuming my thoughts... I can get it out here... and my friends can choose to read and pray if they would like.  I pray for peace and patience... and being able to trust in such a way that I am truly able to let go of this burden and feel real relief in knowing that it is not mine to control in the first place.  That second part is the hardest. :-)  I know in the grand scheme of things, 7 months is a blip on the radar... but right now every month drags and is emotionally draining and I am just crying out for prayer... for peace and relief.  And patience.  It is so hard to know I need to just trust God... and to hear people say "just relax"... and then for the life of me not be able to FEEL that relief and sense of strength I long for as a result.  I hear of all of these stories about people getting pregnant once they "give up", but I don't really know how to do that... I don't think I can yet.  So I wait.

Anyway... I can't end this without saying how blessed I am.  My family, my closest friends and bible study group... I find such JOY in each of these relationships and I have no idea what I would do without each of you.  I am so blessed to have best friends who are also prayer warriors and truly love and care about us. :-)  We love and care about you too.

January 19, 2010

Those Who Trust

I used to blog... a lot.  I think it was a way for me to keep my sanity in a way.  I would talk about anything and everything... my spiritual life and my frustrations and my hopes and dreams.  And people would read it!  And share in these experiences and encourage me along my path.  I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the way about 5 years ago I stopped.  And I now kind of have this sense of CRAVING it and needing to journal and get whatever is bottled up out!!  I have another blog - lgriffis.blogspot.com... but for some reason I just don't feel the freedom to write like I used to.  Maybe because I am no longer a student but in the real world and feeling the pressure of whatever I say being read and used in some way that I didn't intend.  Truth is - some things are just too personal and there are people in the online world (such as board members, co-workers, colleagues, etc.) that I know I wouldn't want reading what I truly want to write about.  And I don't want to come across as this having anything to do with my place of work.  But this is real life... real pain... real joy.  And so I begin this blog... "those who trust".

"Those who trust" refers to the verse in Psalm 125:1.  I went through MANY verses (and blog titles that were already taken) before landing on this, but I kept coming back to it.  I think right now this is right where I am spiritually.  God is asking me to let go and put trust in him in ways he NEVER has before.  And it is hard and heart-wrenching, but so very worth it.  I am struggling with it, because it is just not in my nature to give up control.  I think it is human nature, but I just have a hard time with the unknown and not being able to know or understand what God has planned for my life.  This is where trust comes in.  And so - I titled my blog "those who trust"... because I think over time this blog will really prove to be my journey of trying to become one of those who trust... in a real and genuine way.

I think that I may open this blog to be read at some point in time.  Mostly because I have felt great encouragement when I have opened myself up and allowed others to see the good and bad and relate in some way.  So I am sure some of my best friends and spiritual encouragers will be invited to read and respond.  But my ONLY stipulation is just to be real and honest.  This blog is committed to growth and truth and I promise to be nothing but genuine.  I can't tell you the RELIEF I feel in just opening this up.  I have always journaled (see xanga.com/lnz1084), but have had a sort of writers block over the past 5 years and I feel like I am in a place right now where this will be therapeutic once again. :-)  I can't wait for this journey.