April 9, 2011

Baby Twilight Zone

That's where I am... in the baby twilight zone.  Becoming a parent will totally turn your world upside down.  Talk about being selfless in a whole new way.  It is 100% about Jude.  100%.  No less.  And I love it, but it sure is a transition and a change of pace.  It takes some getting used to.  But it is utterly and completely amazing.  I love being a mommy. 

So my BABY is 12 days old.  That seems so very short when I think of how much I have learned and how much I have gotten to know him.  I feel like I've known him forever.  And I feel like I gave birth forever.  At the same time... looking back at Jude's pictures from his very first day, I can already see this little man growing up.  His cheeks are chunking up, he's already getting his baby double chin, and he's just looking older.  I just want to say STOP!  Stay little!!  But I know these days will fly by.  I'm going to enjoy each and every one of them!

So here are some things I have learned, loved, found amazing in my 12 days of motherhood.

1) I am amazed at how Jude knew me right from the start.  He immediately responded to my voice and was instantly soothed when he was near me and could hear my heartbeat.  I just LOVE that he knew me from those 9 months I carried him.  Such precious moments.

2) Baby instincts are amazing.  We've been blessed to be able to breastfeed quite well right off the bat.  Jude is a little champion eater.  He was born at 7lbs 11oz... got down to 7lbs 4oz in the hospital, and on Friday April 1st was already back up to 7lbs 7.5oz.  We have our next appointment on Monday, and he has to be back at his birth weight.  I'm thinking we'll be pushing 8lbs or more by that point.  Breastfeeding is also about trust... I never expected to worry that my baby was getting enough to eat, but it is hard for me to not be able to measure how much he is getting.  I just have to trust Jude's cues and my instincts and the fact that his cheeks are chubbier than the day before.

3) I love watching my husband be a daddy.  If I didn't love the man already, I sure do now.  Jordan is amazing with Jude.  He will drop everything to care for him and has a way of entertaining Jude that nobody can top.  He told me the other day he had a conversation with Jude, telling him all the things they were going to do together.  Melts my heart!

4) Postpartum hormones are the real deal.  I feel "normal" most of the time (whatever that means anymore)... but all of the sudden I will feel like I need to burst into tears for no apparent reason.  Just emotional.  I also break out into a sweat for no reason... that is fun.  Especially at night.  I feel like that should be calming down anytime now... really.

5) I have been surprised at how difficult recovery has been for me.  I am totally fine emotionally with the fact that I needed a c-section.  I know I made it clear that avoiding that was my motivation for pursuing a natural birth.  But of course, as I have said, God and Jude had other plans and Jude is here and healthy and that is all I wanted.  But the recovery is something I didn't expect.  It was days before I could get out of bed and pick up my own baby.  I have felt like I cannot care for my baby and that was overwhelmingly frustrating for me.  I don't know if my recovery was harder because of the 80 hours of labor (I'd imagine so), but I had no idea what to expect, because I didn't expect to need surgery.  In any case... I'm feeling significantly better now.  Today was the first day I did not experience any real pain or the need to stop and ice my incision or something.  So we are moving forward. :-)  Just being honest!

6) Lately I am just eager to figure out what our new "normal" is.  Life will never be the same... and I am ready to figure out what my new life is going to be like - because right now I truly feel like I am in the baby twilight zone and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel where I might finally feel like I know what I'm doing and be able to plan my life... but until then, it is just me and Jude figure this whole thing out.  It is hard to not worry about every little thing.  How often or long are babies supposed to eat?  Is my baby too gassy?  How much is normal for a baby to spit up?  Blah blah blah... all of these are in my google search history. :-)  But I'm figuring it out, and I already know that motherhood is going to change me and challenge me in ways I've never ever been stretched before. :-)

And now for some cuteness.


  1. Just like you changed me forever, Lindsy Grace. It's been so incredible watching you become a mother these past 12 days...watching you fall in love with this little boy the way I fell in love with you. Talk about melting a heart...

  2. He is just SOOO precious!! I appreciate this post so that I know what I'm in for :). I'm so curious about how it will all change once she's here... and wondering, too, about what our new "normal" will be. Craziness.

    Oh, and I saw you post something on Betsy's fb about an automatic bouncer...care to share your thoughts/input with me?

  3. thanks for sharing your reflections. i feel like you just process it all so healthfully, and with such joy. it's been good for me to follow your journey these last couple of weeks.

  4. It's refreshing to hear things are going so well! It only gets better, believe it or not. :)

    I wonder if the long labor had anything to do with it. I was actually okay with my c-section recovery. While in the hospital, I forced myself to get up and walk around, even when it hurt, even a little bit, and 2 days after the surgery, I was walking on my own. More frustrating for me was not being able to shower on my own and things like that. I felt like the "numb" sting would never go away, and sitting up from a laying down position would never go away...but thankfully it does! Give it time. :)

    And I remember the first day I didn't need ANY pain meds. Felt great. :)

  5. Nothing like going through this process to find out how amazing babies and mommies are! Also, if you haven't discovered it already, kellymom.com is a great BFing resource.