Every once in awhile it hits me.
The panic. The anxiety. The oh crap that I experienced when I first saw the digital "Pregnant" on that test 6 months ago.
Little brother will be here in less than 12 weeks. And most of the time I am excited. I think about this new baby and get all warm and fuzzy remembering the snuggles, the bitty clothes, nursing, etc. I am very excited.
But then I have days where big brother wears. me. out. And I'm ready to crash at 7pm along with him. And I wonder, how the heck am I going to do this?
If there's one thing that being a Mama has changed about me (and there is far more than one thing, for certain) it is my flexibility. Before Jude was born, I read books and blogs and articles on everything relating to pregnancy and birth. I obsessed over the birth experience before he was born. Once he was here, I obsessed about his sleep patterns. Then it was what he was eating. Because if I was in control, nothing could go wrong, right?
I still struggle with wanting to control everything. I don't like things out of my control. But sometimes, for me, along with the desire to control is fear of being out of control. And that isn't good. It isn't healthy. It isn't from my God who flat out tells me, do not fear.
I remember before Jude was born, I had the same fear. I had never done this before! I wondered, how would I know when he was hungry vs. tired? How would I soothe him if he was fussy? How exactly would this fit into my life and change me? It was unknown, and scary. And I remember a time, maybe 4-5 months into motherhood, when I realized that I just did. That newborn phase I was terrified of had passed, and I just did. One day at a time. One need at a time. It just happened. And as it was happening, none of my previous worries were valid. We just lived life.
So, when I have these freak-out moments, I stop. Breathe. And remember that the God who gave me this child is the God who will give me all I need to raise two babies. He'll give me the patience. The strength. The energy. The motherly intuition. And I know that soon, life with little brother will be the new normal. We'll go through our days just like we do today, but maybe with a little more chaos. A little more crazy. Hopefully not too many tears. But definitely a whole lot more love!