* * * I know many of you have asked about this post! A week or so ago I started writing it and accidentally published instead of saved. It wasn't finished! I am just now finding time to complete this story. Thanks for your patience! * * *
I need to be honest before writing this. I think a lot of moms have a similar worry going into their second child. They wonder, can they love another child as much as they love their first? They don't feel as bonded or attached during their second pregnancy, because, well, they have a baby out of utero that they have spent the past year (plus) building a relationship with and haven't had the time or energy to bask in the joy of a second pregnancy. This was so me. For most of my pregnancy, I feared the day Isaac was born. I dreaded it. Because I knew it was going to change my relationship with Jude and I didn't know what that was going to look like. I prayed and prayed about it. I asked God to cover my weakness. To give me a calm in my heart about this transition. But I feared... Until the day before Isaac was due to arrive. Something switched in my heart and my fear turned into joyful anticipation. I told Jordan that night, I was finally more excited than anything else. It was as if my heart finally felt what I had been praying for. And I couldn't wait to meet my littlest son.
June 27, 2012
last belly shot - 39 weeks 4 days
Preparing for Isaac's birth was so different than Jude's. For Jude, I spent months preparing for a natural unmedicated birth... that didn't happen. For Isaac, I prepared myself for a birth required me to not be near as involved. Not even laboring. It was so surreal. It seemed so unnatural. But after much prayer, I made that decision based on what I felt the best was for my family... what gave me the most peace.
The morning began as most do. We got Jude out of bed and had breakfast together. Well, Daddy and Jude did, as I couldn't eat or drink for 12 hours before surgery. I didn't need to be to the hospital until 10, so we asked my mom and dad to come to pick Jude up at 8:30. For some reason, the morning seemed to go slower than most. But in a good way. We got Jude dressed in his "Most Awesome Big Brother" t-shirt and played for awhile. We went outside and played in the sandbox while we waited for my parents to show up. And it was a gorgeous morning. Not too hot, yet. The sun rising was a reminder of God's blessing. I just sat with my oldest boy and enjoyed the moment and the anticipation.
Somewhere around the time Jude needed to leave with my parents, he fell and scraped his hand and even though he is usually fine with bumps and bruises, this one got to him. It was nearing 9:15 and we needed to pack Jordan's bag yet. Jude was screaming as we put him in his car seat. He also usually never has a problem leaving with my parents, so this was just weird. I took him out, held and calmed him, and tried to put him back in, but got the same response. If there is anything I HATE it is needing to leave my kids while they are upset. Ugh!! I don't know why he was upset. I think kids sometimes just have an intuition that something big is about to happen. Even though I didn't want to, I said bye to Jude and gave him kisses through his tears, knowing that as soon as he realized he got to spend the day with his Papaw he would be all smiles. Luckily - soon after they left I got a text from Papaw that all was well. :-)
Jordan and I quickly got our things loaded in the car and made our way to the hospital. We just sat holding hands and I don't remember if much was said at all. It seemed so odd that we were going to meet our baby. I wasn't even nervous. Maybe it still didn't feel real. We walked through the hospital, not in labor, through admission, and down the same halls that we had labored in great anticipation of meeting Jude just 15 months earlier. Literally.
Even though I wasn't in labor, I still needed to be hooked up to the fetal monitors in preparation for surgery. I sat on the bed and watched the littlest boys' heart beat beep along. At some point, the nurse came back and asked, "Are you feeling your contractions"... "What?? No....??"... "You're having contractions two minutes apart. Probably just pre-labor, but your body is getting ready."
After that I started paying attention and realized that the feeling of the baby in my ribs really was my uterus getting extremely hard. But it was not painful at all. Braxton Hicks, I suppose. But in any case, my body was doing something.And it made me feel a lot better about scheduling the c-section on that day, because I felt that my body was then telling me the time was near... or now. I do wonder if I had waited it out, how long it would have taken those contractions to become active labor. With my history, labor would have started that day, but Isaac wouldn't be born until July. ;-)
Jordan and I tried to guess how big this guy would be. I guessed an ounce or two less than Jude, but Jordan was convinced he'd be bigger - about 8lbs or so (Jude was 7lbs 11oz). A previous surgery was running behind (I heard rumors of a 4th c-section with someone getting their tubes tied), so we didn't go back until about 12:30. In preparation they put in my IV and drew blood. Jordan got his OR gear on and before we knew it we were going back.
I didn't get nervous until I was in the OR. I felt my chin start to shake, taking in what was about to happen. I told the nurses that the last time I was in that room, I was having back to back contractions. They were all shocked to hear that I labored the entire time last without an epidural. Apparently it isn't as common as one might think! I used some of my previously learned relaxation techniques to completely relax my body as they prepared the spinal. I know a lot of this happened last time, but it was all such a blur since I was in labor and exhausted. That may have gone to my benefit as now I was completely aware of everything going on, and it made me a little nervous.
I soon started to feel the effects of the spinal. Jordan joined me at my side, and my fabulous OB started his work to bring my baby into the world. Jordan was ready with camera AND video camera in hand. (That's right, we got the entire thing on video. And amazingly enough he got some great photos at the same time - although they are graphic and not included in this post!)
About 15 or so minutes went by, and at 12:52pm I heard my son's first screams. And they didn't stop. :-) Which is a great sign. They laid him on the table next to me so I could see him as they got him warm and cleaned him off. I could tell he was a big boy just by looking at him. But 8lbs 12oz and 20.5"? Big boy!! Immediately my OB said he was glad I didn't attempt to push that kid out, because it probably would not have gone in my favor.
Isaac Lee. My sweet boy. He came out rooting and ready to eat. A wonderful nurse brought him over and laid him right near my face as they stitched me up and I got to meet my boy and kiss his face. It wasn't too long before he was in my arms in the recovery room. I hear of many hospitals where the mom is separated from her baby for hours during recovery, but I am so glad I got to hold my boy as soon as possible.
I can hardly believe he is now over 2 weeks old. Time flies. This time, I am soaking up the newborn stage. Good and bad. I know how quickly it passes, and now that my attention is split, I know I can't give him the same one-on-one time I had with Jude. But he is blessed to have a big brother who already clearly loves him.
It's funny how adding to your family makes you love each of your family members even more. Love abounds in my heart and having Isaac has not taken away from Jude - only added to it. Watching him give kisses to his baby brother just warms my heart. It is challenging to have two small ones, for sure, but I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and dig into motherhood. I choose to focus on the blessings in the midst of chaos.