August 28, 2012

Planning and grace.

Hello friends!

Life is starting to resemble some sort of routine these days.  Having a newborn the first time changes everything.  Life suddenly revolves around, not you, but another tiny human who relies on you to sustain their very life.  Not much has changed the second time around.  The difference is that much of the anxiety has eased.  But the busyness just multiplies.  In a good way of course {right??}.  I keep saying, I am cherishing and not wishing away these bitty days I have with Isaac, but I know that in a year, life will be much more predictable (and I like predictable).  I will know that at nap-time I will likely have at least an hour to myself.  Until then, I don't mind soaking up these bitty moments.

I don't know if you do this, but I often create "Rules" for myself.  I find that if I don't put down on paper some sort of guideline or goal for my day-to-day life, I get caught up in the chaos and not much gets done.  Simply, I won't be intentional in the moment if I don't plan to be intentional.

I have found that if I don't give my mornings to what is important, what fills me, then it is likely it just won't happen at all.  That's why I've been trying to wake up before the boys to get filled with the Word.  Sometimes this is a great study time for me.  Many times, this is reading for 10 minutes before needing to jump up and nurse a hungry babe.  The important thing is setting my eyes on Christ first thing for the day.  Praying that he would guide my steps and give me that extra dose of patience I need in toddler-ville.  And praying that truth flow freely in our home.  

It's discipline.  I really struggle with that at times.  To do the mundane things that make our home run more smoothly.  In fact, right now I told Jordan I would be updating the budget, but I haven't touched it.  I need discipline to spend time on me early in the morning so that I have been filled enough to act in truth and love and patience (lots of patience) toward my kids.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day and at the end feel exhausted without much accomplished.  I'm talking chores and housework, but even intentional time with Jude specifically.  Sitting down and playing legos or reading or coloring or covering his arms with stickers.  Right now, my split attention means that whatever is getting my attention needs at least 75% of it (let's face it... as moms, you never will get back 100% attention).

I've said it a zillion times.  Since first laying my eyes on Jude, I have had a passion to be intentional with my time with my kiddos.  But, I often fail.  I have days (like yesterday) where I wasn't as patient with Jude as I should have been.  I have weeks where the laundry piles in my room without a second glance from me.  And it has been a month since I have updated our budget (I'll do it tomorrow.....).  Homemaking and parenting is not a job for the faint of heart.  Something I never truly realized until I did it myself.  As the to-do list piles up and the days fly by, there is lots of room for mommy-guilt.  I experience it daily.  I should have sat and made googly-eyes and cooed at my littlest boy while he was awake instead of feeling like I needed to do the dishes... or check Pinterest.  I should shut off the TV after I'm done nursing to limit Jude's screen time and invite him to read a book.  I should take Jude outside more when Isaac is napping.  I should put the darn phone down and bust out the crayons or finger-paints (more on being a hands-free Mama some other time).

Oh, how I could fill my days with all the shoulda' coulda' woulda's.

But.  I'm going to have to settle with being imperfect.  And let grace abound in the gaps.

And pray that God will do a good work in my kiddos hearts, because that is truly none of my doing anyway.  In the meantime, I am praying that God would increase my discipline to follow through on what I have planned.  And show me where I need to maybe give up on some good things, so that I can spend time on the better.  It's a delicate balance.  But it comes down to my priorities.  First, Christ. Second, my marriage. Third, my kids.  The rest becomes somewhat of a blur after that in this season.

I am not sure that this post went exactly where I intended it to go.  But, it is where I am right now.

Real life.


  1. Just found your blog from Sugarpumkin. What a well written, open & honest post about how motherhood can feel at times especially with wee ones.

  2. I loved reading your thoughts this morning, as usual. =)