November 8, 2012

Heart-checks.


It started out as inspiration.  Encouragement.  Innocent enough.  Propelling and motivating me toward my goal.  I dared to dream.  I dared to exercise my gifts.  To make way for the things I really love deep down that I was too busy or too fearful to do.

Maybe I could write.  Maybe I could write and people would read it.  Maybe I could reach out and encourage someone.  Just maybe. 

Because it happened for me that way.  Those dark days back in 2010 when my arms were child-less and my heart was ripped out of my chest.  Pregnancy and loss.  Nobody understood.  Not one.  Of course, that is what I felt in those moments I couldn't catch my breath.  Until I heard the stories of woman after woman after woman who had miscarried their sweet babies.  Stories of women who had lost, but survived.  And I found hope again.  Hope in reading stories.  Healing through reading blogs.

So, when I felt that little tug on my heart to just write.  Just share.  You have something to say.  I listened.  Writing makes my heart happy, almost as if it allows my soul to breathe.

But I often find, when God gives you something to really go for and get excited about, that is exactly the thing in which Satan wants to breed insecurity.

As I read my blog roll, what started as inspiration started to become littered with comparison and insecurity.  I'll never write as eloquently as her.  She has thousands of followers, who am I?  And THAT blogger wrote three books!  

With a good dose of doubt.  A blog?  Really?  Isn't that for nerdy people?  It's JUST a blog.  Don't take it so seriously.

(Just being honest.  That's how we roll 'round here.)

But here's the thing.  I am writing for two reasons.  One, because I love to.  My heart needs it.  Two, because I feel like I should.  In the sense that I need to speak truth, joy, and encouragement and this is my little piece of the internet to do so.

And I'm not going to let Satan steal my joy in this.  Or dirty my intentions.

Instead, I'm going to pray that when jealousy sneaks in, I choose encouragement.  When comparison sneaks in, I choose to thank God that there are so many other women out there who share this heart.  I'm going to pray and believe that those who need to read what I have to say, will.  If that is 50 or 500.  Makes no difference to me.

Putting yourself out there requires frequent heart-checks.  If it isn't for God's glory, it simply isn't going to happen.  Not here.

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