August 25, 2013

this is my boy

I see him peeking through the crack in the door to his bedroom.  Looking for any signs of movement from me.
He's been a Mama boy lately.  Wanting me and only me.  “Mama do it” he says.  The washing, the bed-timing, the clipping in the car-seat.  He wants me.
I can't say I mind one bit.
In that moment where those sleepy eyes peek through the darkness at me, I flash back to a moment when I so desperately wanted him.
Months of not getting pregnant.  Charting, testing, clomid, and nothing.  Months turned over to a year.  Our dear friends gathered around us one evening to pray specifically over this area of our lives.  Hands on us.  Begging God on our behalf.  For peace... and if it was his will, a child.   
I will never forget it.  I don't know that I've ever felt so loved in friendship than in this moment.  They stepped into our waiting and suffering.  This is love.  This is the body.  
And less than a year later we were given this child.  I truly don't think this was any coincidence.
This child that now gazes sleepily through paci and blankie.  All along the Lord knew it was him who we were to parent.  The waiting was hard, but this is my boy.  
I have loved ones who are in that same desperate place that I once was.  Waiting.  Month after month.  Aching.  I know the ache.  It breaks my heart.  
But sometimes I forget.  When I'm all wrapped up in myself and my frustration and MY MY MY.  I forget the goodness of the Lord.  It's easy for me to focus on what I'm lacking.  My default is worry.  But he tells me not to worry... he says in ALL things... with thanksgiving... to make my requests known.  
He answers.  He does.  
Part of thanksgiving is remembering.  So today... I'm remembering the days when there was no one calling me "Mommy" at 5am and no dirty diapers to change.  I'm remembering the desperation.  But most of all, I'm remembering the goodness.  And just as my friends stepped into my suffering and my want, I'm praying for you.
I can only hope that I could be the kind of friend that is wise enough to know when prayer is needed and doesn't hesitate to hold tight to hands and speak to our creator.  I know I'm far from it.  I'm still a work in progress.
But tonight, all of you are on my heart.  So, I'm praying for you.  Begging for you.
For peace... and for a child, when the time comes for you to meet the one who will call you "Mommy".  
It is a hard wait, I know.
Much love. 

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