December 4, 2014
Some days are harder than others. Many days it is so easy for me to go about my life without recognizing that there is a third child out there somewhere. The busy monotony of mothering a two and three-year-old make that easy. But other days, like today, oh how I long for that child. I long for her. My heart aches for her. To hold her, and love her, and bring her home.
Everything in me is ready for our family to grow. And sometimes I wonder why God has us on this journey. I love adoption and I am so thrilled to grow our family in this way. But even now, it is hard. Right from the beginning, it starts in the hard places. A daughter somewhere on the other side of the world and I cannot love and kiss when I feel so compelled. I feel pregnant with anticipation, yet, still so disconnected. So different from bringing my other children into the world. The same longing and love and eagerness to meet, but overshadowed by the dark circumstances that surround her current life. My daughter doesn't know her mother. She doesn't know that she will be forever loved. I can't wait to tell her this, but right now it breaks my heart.
I often sit behind a family in church who recently brought a baby boy into their home. Fostering him since he was days old, and I do hope he can stay with them forever. I watch their whole family, parents and children alike, just shower him with kisses. And I feel like I am watching the kingdom at work right before my eyes. A holy love that cannot be explained by anything but an overflowing of the love of the Creator. It is beautiful to watch. But my heart still breaks that it has to be that way. As heart-warming as it is to watch, I know that there will be no need for adoption and foster families in heaven. We will all be perfectly loved and love perfectly in the presence of God. But until then, we live it out the best we can on earth.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting behind that same family, with their beautiful child and watched this baby be doted on by the older children. But the heart-warming feelings I had suddenly turned to sadness for me as I recognized, that, like this family, I have a child somewhere whose genes I do not share. But my daughter is probably not being doted on and kissed and smothered and loved properly. I don't even know if she is picked up when she cries. My heart broke in an instant. This reality hits me like a ton of bricks every now and then. I found myself praying that she would be kissed. Wherever she is, whoever cares for her. Just kisses. So now, when I am hit with the reality of the brokenness that she lives in now, I pray that she would still be receiving affection and kisses from those around her.
I just can't wait until it is me.
If you happen to think of us and this crazy journey that we're on, we truly covet your prayers. For us, yes, and our patience and sanity, but even more so, for our daughter. She is somewhere in China, maybe or maybe not getting kisses and affection. Her world is going to be rocked, and it is going to hurt. Pray for her heart. And pray that she would be kissed by someone who loves her, until it can be from her forever family.