*repost from original facebook posts
This ask puts a pit in my stomach, but we don’t get to choose the hard in our lives. My sweet Isaac Lee needs prayer. Over the course of the last couple of months, Isaac developed a very large lymph node in his neck that grew quickly. We took him to the doctor a few times, and an ultrasound scan came up abnormal. Tomorrow morning at 8am, he is undergoing a biopsy to check for malignancy. His primary care doctor told us very frankly that he is 50/50 on the lymph node having cancer in it.
I hate it. And it is scary. But I will also say, God has made his presence so very clear. He is a great physician and the author of my (and Isaacs) life. He has shown me over and over that he loves me and he wants me. And I know he wants the same for Isaac. I also know he is a miracle-working God. So we’re praying for benign results and complete healing. But we’re also trusting his goodness and his plan no matter the results. I’m preaching to myself, because my mind doesn’t always want to believe that he loves Isaac more than I do, but he does. Right now - the biggest battle is in my mind. Second by second, choosing not to give in to the pit of “what if’s” and live in surrender. I believe that the same God who has raised people from the dead is the one who works in my life right now. I’m expectant for healing.
I was texting with a friend late into the night last night as I couldn’t sleep, trying to explain the tension of hope and fear I was feeling. She wrote, “Your body is doing exactly what it is supposed to. You cannot reason with your mind or have a body that’s wired for survival contain your love for Isaac. So the love is trying to explode out your body. In fact your love would go to the end of the earth for him to save him. And if your earthly body kept you from doing that, you’d wage war against your body to escape it… so now, when fear grips, say ‘thank you body for telling me just how far and deep and wide my love for my boy is, now thought please go take a seat over there while I breathe my next breath.’”
And so I did - I took notice of the whole jumbled mess of emotions I feel and labeled it love. I recognized that I would absolutely crawl out of my skin to save Isaac if that’s what it would take. I would take his place a million times over. And suddenly it hit me.
That is exactly what God the Father did for us. He saw us hurting… a future separated from him. And he literally crawled out of his heavenly skin to take our place. He suffered. He died. And now, because I’m made in his image, that same passion I feel for my kids first started with his passion for me. For you.
That whole mess of emotions. It’s all wrapped up in love. It’s messy, but it’s love. If there is anything 2019 taught me it is to believe that God loves me and wants me just as I am. He just keeps taking me deeper.
We expect to hear on Isaac’s results on Thursday or Friday. I’m emotionally depleted. The kids have watched far too many screens, because I feel like I’m holding my breath and right under the surface. But I know God can handle my big feelings. He made me this way. And I think he is this way. So I’m going to believe that when the feelings are bigger than I think I can handle, it is God joining me in the overwhelming love I have for my kids. And I’m going to try to let him carry some of the load. And breathe.